Neglect

I think I've neglected this blog for far too long. It doesn't matter that no one reads it, I want to write in it.

I've been having a hard time lately, with life and death and other such things. Sometimes they can feel like they're getting in the way of my faith, even though I know that Netjer is helping me through. I do feel like I've been lazy, not even saying as many silent prayers as I used to, and I've done senut once in the past year. Though, I did read something on another blog saying that they have a hard time doing senut as well, maybe I'm the same in that I'm not ritual minded, I had a hard time with it when I was "pagan", I do like structure, rules, not the wishy-washyness of some other faiths I've read and tried. But I have a hard time saying something that feels scripted...I don't know. I think this year I'm going to really try, maybe I'll do my own version of senut, not necessarily calling it that, but I do like praying with candles and incense. :P

Senebty!

disconnection

I've been feeling quite disconnected from everything faith related lately. It seems as though I always feel too 'tired' to do anything. It's not an excuse of any kind, and I really want to feel the connection more, I just don't know how. I could try to get more involved in the online events at the House, but it's hard to coordinate times most days to be able to join in the chats. I should just be going over to the boards and talking to people, asking questions, but I'm never sure what to ask, where to start even. Perhaps I should give the prayer book and the beginners lessons a really good read. I think I just feel like I don't know enough, like I'm not completely part of the house, most likely because I don't know anyone in person, and I'm rather shy about meeing anyone to be honest. I feel like I'll fall short of expectations, even though it's likely there wouldn't be any expectations. Who knows, Netjer help me I will connect myself more.

Senebty.

Netjer is amazing

Honestly, I just can't get over how much Netjer has done for me. It seems as if lately all my prayers are being answered, it is truly amazing. It's an affirmation to me of the power of my prayers, and the love Netjer has for all of us. I finally have almost everythign I need to do Senut, I do have a cold though, so I will have to wait until I'm well again. I'm excited about it though, I thought for awhile I wasn't going to do it, but it's something I think will bring me even closer to Netjer. I'm just so thankful for everything I have! Nekhtet! Dua Netjer!

I've been struggling a lot lately with everyday problems. I haven't been praying as much as I could be and I'm feeling the withdrawl from Netjer, it's not a good feeling. It's like a good kick in the butt to say, hey you need to pray about your problems, you need help, you can't do everything yourself. I'm just finding life difficult at the moment for no particular reason, I need a job, I'm bored a lot of the time, I've been sick, I've gained weight, Tim's grandfather just passed away so we had to fly out to Terrace on short notice, just a build up of stuff. I can't ever seem to get the house clean, and I just want to be out doing something other than sitting in the house. I don't know many people here, those that I do know are busy with other things or they're older family members who work all day and such. Here I am feeling sorry for myself again, and nothing really bad has happened, I just feel like crap all the time and I'm sick of it. I need to make changes, starting with my prayer, I need to start praying more, talking to Netjer, to the Names. I want to start doing Senut, but I need to get my physical space organized before I feel like I can do that. Eventually I do want have my RPD done, but it won't be soon. Netjer willing I will get that job I'm interviewing for tomorrow. I just have to tell myself that.

Em hotep!

I haven't really written in this blog for awhile, so I thought I would give a little update. Me and my boyfriend have moved safely to Burnaby, thank Netjer. We found a nice apartment, with really nice managers. I have yet to find a job, though I did get a call from Panago today, they're only looking for part time people, I should have said I could do part time, but Netjer willing I'll find something better. I've really been thinking about senut, and I think that once we get our place organized completely, and I find a job and get into a routine, I will start doing it on a regular basis. I need some spiritual grounding to keep me focused. I want to find some good kemetic music (I actually really want Ankh: the sounds of ancient egypt, but I can't find it anywhere) because music really sets a mood for me.

I was poking around somewhere (I think it was the house of netjer message boards, but I honestly can't remember) and I found someone talking about worship, and how they love to see everyone doing it. That it doesn't matter how you are doing it just that you are and you are connecting with the divine. I thought that very much described how I think about that. I think worship is a beautiful thing, any form of it. That's probably why I'll stop at Christian, or other faiths' television channels just to see how they do it. I'm not too interested in going to a church though, to be honest, unless it is for something that is not church related. It's not that I'm afraid of them or anything, it just doesn't interest me to listen to their bible ( I know there is more to it than that), because I've read passages from it, yet I still can't see how anyone could believe it to be the complete truth. Moral teaching sure, every faith needs those, but an instruction manual for life, I really don't think so. I have nothing against Christians who believe in it as literal truth, but I disagree and that's all there is. I have never and will never be Christian. It is a beautiful faith, but some of it's practices don't sit right with me (and I don't believe Jesus existed as one man). Anyways that's my update.

Senebty!

Thoughts

I was walking home from work today, and I was utterly miserable. Not a great start to a story maybe, but I guess this is just more of an expression of thought and feelings rather than a story. To continue, I was walking home, feeling miserable about being alone right then, and about half way home, about when my feet and pants were soaked I realized no I'm not really alone right now. How could I be with Netjer watching over me? Every god in existence walking with me, how in the world could I be alone? I'm not, I never was. Nobody is ever really alone in the world, all gods watch over them. The benevolent gods, the angry gods, gods of war, gods of peace, of love of any other feeling you can name, the gods you believe in, the gods you don't, the named, and yet unnamed gods. They all watch over you, they watch over everyone. Netjer is all around us, it is being worshiped everywhere! What you happen to call it is not important, it's that you sing out it's name, whatever form that may be, and be thankful for all you recive. All the lessons, and the material goods. The good times and the bad, everything teaches something, always. Needless to say, this helped me a lot, to be honest I'm stubborn and was still fairly unhappy for a bit afterwards, I blame it on the stress lately, but it did teach me something. That Netjer is always there, through everything. Nekhtet!

Em Hotep!
I haven't updated this blog in awhile. I thought I would put down a few thoughts/conversations/etc. that I've had in the past little while. First off, I've realized how truly dedicated I am to my faith. I've really known it all along, but I think Netjer just needed to bonk me over the head to get my to acknowledge it. Sometimes I feel as though I don't do enough when it comes to worship, I don't do Senut, but I do want a shrine. Unfortunatly I probably won't have the means to make one until after I move, probably even after that. I may see if I can find some things to make a little portable shrine, but I'm still not sure about that. I still pray every day though, and I do whatever I can to spread ma'at. It's hard at times, but it is my path, it is what is right.
The Kemetic Orthodox community, though I may only know them through the internet, is positively filled with wonderful, helpful, considerate, and compassionate people. Hemet(AUS) is a wonderful leader and teacher and I thank Netjer for her. May she live a long and wonderful life, Nekhtet!
I think I'm going to skip out on the conversation part of this until another day. I'm tired and I have to get up early tomorrow morning.

Ankh, Udja, Seneb everyone!